


the hand you wanna hold is a weapon

by septiceyesweetheart



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-24
Updated: 2019-09-24
Packaged: 2020-10-27 03:35:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20753675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/septiceyesweetheart/pseuds/septiceyesweetheart
Summary: graveyard - halsey





	the hand you wanna hold is a weapon

I have the worst habit of chasing those who do not give a single fuck about me. Ask anyone who knows me. Countless times have I been intervened with the "you're digging yourself down deeper" talk. Most of these came from Dib, of all people. Dib fucking Membrane was the one telling me to lay off this guy in high skool, when not that long ago he was just as obsessed.

It was for different reasons. Dib was convinced that the new kid was an alien. He was right. I only found out because my self destructive ass developed a crush on the new kid. Even when I was young and inexperienced, I wanted the one who was oblivious to my thoughts and feelings and general existence.

Zim didn't stay oblivious for long, though. He actually appreciated my infatuation. 

_ "Of course you love Zim! Why wouldn't you love Zim?" _

I thought his habit of talking about himself in the third person was  _ so  _ endearing. I liked his confidence. Confident, but mysterious. He was charming once he kept me around long enough.

And he was amazing. When he trusted me enough (senior year of high skool), he took me back to his tiny strange house. I was blown away. All his gadgets and gizmos and Gir, I didn't have the brains to make that shit up. It was spectacular, and I fell even harder everytime Zim went on a melodramatic speech about how he was going to destroy the planet.

All the warning signs felt like butterflies. I was breathless. 

No, seriously. The third or fourth time I visited his weird little house, he asked to experiment on me. From cutting open various parts of my body, to literally sucking the air out of my lungs, I was his human guinea pig. I allowed it because he had other human test subjects but he always picked me. It was always me.

We got older. Zim mellowed out as a whole maybe 2 years after graduating. He kept me close though, and he trusted me. He killed off the other human test subjects after a particularly stressful call with his leaders, the Tallest. Zim figured out that his mission to destroy the planet was a big lie.

_ "The Tallest were blatantly saying it as they answered the call. It wasn't the first time I heard them say anything like that. But it was the first time I let it sink in." _

Only I saw how much it tore away at him. His crimson eyes were dark. The lenses and wig became a metaphorical mask as well as a literal one. This tormented him.

Zim always said he was defective. But he said it with a different tone as time went one.

_ "Defective, not disposable,"  _ I told him.

That was the first time he kissed me. Mind you, he had never kissed ever. He barely understood the concept… of infatuation. Or maybe he did. It just wasn't for me. To this day, I still don't know.

I followed him through his adjustment to the human world. I had never met other Irkens, but I could tell Zim wasn't like the rest of them. His leaders kicked him out for a reason.

Zim being defective was the most human thing about him. He cried a lot after his revelation. He was angry, he was hurt. He was depressed. The stupid Tallest wouldn't understand that. They'll never know what they've done to him. The Zim I knew a long time ago - the one who was loud and narcissistic and constantly butting heads with Dib - was dead.

Dib and Gaz said I died.

_"We never see you anymore, what gives?"_ Gaz asked on a rare day I was out with her and her brother.

_"You're with your boyfriend all the time,"_ Dib practically sneered. _"Oh, wait. He doesn't see you that way, huh?_"

I was quickly offended. _"Yes he does. He confides in me."_

Gaz folded her arms._ "But the other way around?"_

_"I…"_ I trailed off, actually thinking about it.

_"You need to get over this fixation,"_ Dib said, now more compassionate._ "Take it from someone who's been there. I mean, I wasn't in love with him, but I was just as obsessed. This shit isn't good for you."_

However, I was just more offended._ "You're just jealous that I learned more about Zim than you ever could!"_

_"But I had the balls to put that to rest!"_ Dib snapped. "I got help and got over my shit!"

_ "Well, not all of us have a daddy to pay for all of that!" _

_"Hey, pipe the fuck down!"_ Gaz told me._ "We're telling you this because you're pretty much our family! There's more to life than obsessing over someone who doesn't give a shit about you!"_

_"Maybe, obsess over someone who doesn't perform dangerous experiments on you?"_ Dib nodded down to my arm.

I had on long sleeves, but the purple scar on top of my hand could still be seen. It extended all the way to my elbow. I couldn't remember what exactly that experiment entailed, I just remembered Zim's gratitude for lending him my body.

_"You're not who you used to be,"_ Gaz said after a moment.

I scoffed._ "And who was that?"_

I only asked because I knew Gaz wouldn't answer that. She nor Dib got all that deep in the time I had known them. Our friendship was an understood thing to them. They didn't say nice things the way Zim did. Just another reason why I latched onto him.

**"Someone who was fun,"** Gaz mumbled, averting her eyes.

Dib was picking at the skin on his thumbs. **"Kind."**

**"Not a total dumbass,"** his sister added.

**"Goal-oriented."**

**"Didn't take anyone's bullshit."**

Dib hesitated, and then he was looking at me. **"Someone who defended the most hated person in skool. Someone who was there for their friends."**

...that was not my big awakening. I wish it had been. Wish I would have cut Zim off before he packed up his tiny house (literally, the lot was empty) and disappeared. Wish I could have followed him. Wish he would have left a note.

They said I was making a mistake. Didn't listen. Would have followed Zim all the way to the graveyard.


End file.
